[Before beginning this heartfelt rant, I would like to send tons of my loves and positive energies across the sea to the little gift on the anniversary of his birth, and welcome all of you out there to do the same.. ]
The Chinese government kidnapped our sweet, lovely little boy Xiao Liwu and I seem to be the only one who cares.. "Wu" is an anchor baby panda born at the San Diego Zoo on July 29, 2012 and those greedy Asian commies came over in April of 2019 and took him by force from the only home he ever knew.
Mr. Wu was given to us by God on July 29,2012. His stunningly gorgeous mother Bai Yun delivered him without complications on that glorious day, as his father Gao Gao welcomed his fifth child panda into the world.
We all know that giant pandas have problems mating in captivity, as males pandas typically become uninterested in mating or often fail to understand how, while female pandas tend to have extremely narrow ovulation and/or mating schedules. This leads one to assume correctly that Mr. Gao is quite chivalrous and extraordinarily virile, while Mrs. Yun is one truly beautiful and strong lady.. This power couple has been correctly identified by experts in the field to be the most reproductively successful panda parents in captivity, giving birth to five (5!) cubs via natural mating. The last of which was given the nickname "Little Gift" and the Chinese stole him from us.
This hostile takeover of our sovereign Zoo population by the Chinese government is the most embarrassing geopolitical event since that Malaysian airplane disappeared, and nobody is even talking about it.. You won't hear leftists complaining on Facebook about Chinese interference in our zoos or see photos and memes of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez crying outside of Xiao's new holding cell.. Dare I say Panda concentration camp.. ? No, of course not! You also will never see Trump tweet about the panda trade wars he is clearly losing or hear his supporters chant "bring him back" at one of his rallies.. Sad!
Mr. Wu was miraculously born on US soil, he is an anchor baby panda, and he deserves asylum immediately. Why am I the only one willing to go fight these children of Mao and reclaim the taxpaying, red-blooded American citizen they unlawfully stole from our sovereign lands? Am I truly surrounded by cowards? Xiao Liwu is a political prisoner being held by Chinese communist extremists and our own drastic measures need to be taken to secure his lost freedoms, because our loser president and "woke" congress refuse to even acknowledge this war crime even took place.
Instead of storming Area 51 this September, I propose we all meet up in China with our swords and liberate the prisoners of the panda internment camps that are surely committing heinous panda atrocities as we speak. If that somehow doesn't work, we could always hire Seal Team 6 to raid the compound holding him ransom to get some good old fashioned American justice. We must spare no costs in our pursuit of liberating our little gift!
In honor of that beautiful, sweet little boy on his birthday; North Park Radio is going to give China 90 days to return Xiao Liwu, or we will declare trade wars against all of them. China is winning the 21st century great giant panda trade wars and laughing in our stupid faces.. Are you going to finally grow up and join the fight for true liberty and justice for ALL?!?
Happy Birthday Wu!
[This blog is satire only. Xiao Liwu + Bai Yun were at the San Diego Zoo as part of a negotiated contract, and they are loved + being treated very well in their new home: https://www.nbcsandiego.com/news/local/San-Diego-Zoo-Pandas-Bai-Yun-Xiao-Liwu-Land-in-China-510115931.html ]